he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize