I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
