really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
