Soap is not a condiment
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Randomize
