I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
