I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
