Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
