Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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