I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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