Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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