Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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