We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize