if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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