my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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