remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
