I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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