Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
