the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
