you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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