Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
