Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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