Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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