First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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