mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
