she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
