Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
