He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
