NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
