I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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