Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
