Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
