Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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