peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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