My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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