Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize