my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize