i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
