You made me cry and you don't even care
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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