capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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