my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
