I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
50% drunk capacity currently
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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