I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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