I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
