the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
