i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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