can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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