I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
