Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
