when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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