We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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