u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
