Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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