i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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