I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
