I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
