I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
