just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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