no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
