yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
