the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
