I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
